The Past

I just kind of rediscovered my own blog today. I realized that I am not a big blogger. I am a thinker. I spend SO much time thinking but feel frustrated or overwhelmed when I even consider recording my thoughts on either paper or computer. I want my handwriting to be legible, my grammar to be proper, and know that I will spend too much time rereading and analyzing my own writings. Pretty pathetic attitude laced with OCD tendencies, I know...all that to say, that I wish I was more of a journaling person. I reread my xanga site from college the other day. It is so funny to see how naive and fun-loving I was. I spent time blogging about completely unimportant events yet now I simply laugh at those memories. I was able to read about the first time I hung out with a "new friend" named Matt. WOW! I am thankful I do have those memories recorded...now just how to get them off the vast world wide web and into a book. (Perhaps a new project I will embark on. :)

When we first got married I had every intention of journaling so that I would have those memories to look back on. Memories of the honeymoon, our first week back in our new home as a new couple, our first fight, the struggle to make ends meet, the many provisions and direct answers to prayers. I wholeheartedly regret that I did not pen those memories as they were happening. I'd love to go back and read the emotions linked with our first fight or the joy abounding as God provided a car for us. I have those memories in my head and my heart but they are distant, clouded, and faint. I wish I could hold on to those raw emotions and see more vividly how God has worked. Right before we got married I heard a sermon about the children of Israel and how they made an altar to remember God's deliverance. Then the men took those rocks home as a daily reminder of God's ever present hand at work. The speaker encouraged each person to start collecting items for an altar box. Since our marriage, I have done that. I am so thankful to have that small box filled with little reminders. A note from a casual friend that accompanied $300, a photo of the car God provided, the note Matt wrote me on my first day of subbing, my first official teaching contract....the list goes on. So, even though I don't have the heat-of-the-moment emotions documented, I have those simple reminders forever. May I use those small items to recall the emotions and details of each scene as I review the filmstrip of my life, each scene flowing perfectly into the next. By looking backward, may I be reminded to trust the director as the future snapshots come into focus, each a polariod that only becomes clear in His timing. For now, contentment in the future because of His faithfulness in my past.

I'd like to be more of a blogger, I really would. I'd love to have experiences documented, thoughts shared, and blessings recorded. Let's see where this gets me...