Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World

I have just finished reading the book, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanne Weaver. The entire premisis comes from the story from the book of Luke.

Luke 10:38-42
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Naturally I have a Martha heart. I have a heart that is driven by tasks, a list of what should be completed in each day. There is no greater satisfaction than climbing into bed knowing that all the housework is complete, I can wake up to a clean home! Now, there are countless days that I don't go to bed feeling like that and those are the days I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and feel like I am not good enough. Yes, I have a Martha heart and yes I live in a Martha-mentality driven world. There are things to be done, places to be, friends to help, children to teach. (Honestly as I wrote that last sentence I remembered that I promised to make a new bookmark for my autistic student. That I CAN'T forget...see I tell you, I have to-do lists EVERYWHERE...I even text myself reminders!) Anyway, it is not natural for me to take time to have a MARY HEART, a heart devoted and dedicated to God. A heart that sits peacefully and reverantly at His feet ready to soak in His every word. Now, my personality tells me that if I can't do something well, to not try and do it at all. This is an easy cop-out for me in my devotional life. I don't put devotions on my personal or mental check list because I feel like I will fail at doing them. So, I sit back content and happy when I do get to them since then it is like a bonus! Wow, I did something extra that wasn't on my to-do list!!!! What an awful mentality! I hate to fail. Recently I have been doing a better job with devotions and my prayer life, yet I still seem to fall short in my eyes. I don't do it everyday, or I don't spend enough time. I seem to struggle with competition against myself. Can I do better? Why don't I feel like I'm growing? Does praying occasionally throughout the day count as a prayer life or do I need to actually sit down and have a prayer journal and a systematic way of praying? Does it count if I don't seem like I have time to pray for everyone so I just say one big prayer and hope it covers them all? See, I don't want to fail so I just try to get it all in somehow yet in doing so, I do it half-heartedly. Yet, at least I do something, so I feel accomplished...yet not...still somehow empty. I need to just forsake my personality and seek HIM AND WHAT HE HAS FOR ME TO LEARN. A quote from the book reads, "In this story, we should find not our personality type, but the kind of heart that Christ longs for us to have. A heart centered on Him alone." It is not my personality that should drive me. It should be my heart that drives me to be completely surrendered to Him. A heart that may feel weak and dry that seeks to be filled and quenched only by Him. I am so quick to look elsewhere and try to fill that void. I fill it with "Christian things." I talk about prayer. I help others with problems and seek to feel used. When I feel used, then I feel good...for a while....then I feel empty and tired. I put Christian "work" before "worship." It is like putting the cart before the horse. I need to first seek to be strengthened by Him before my work gets the better of me. My work...which quickly becomes my worry...which quickly becomes my overwhelming distraction. "When we're distracted, discouragement is just around the corner. Weariness creeps in as life overpowers us. It causes us to say and do things we would never consider saying or doing otherwise. Discouragement breaks down our perspective and our defenses." Thus the vicious cycle continues...Frustration, self-pity, worry, self-reliance...a heart that has let the Martha world dominate her world. I may live in this Martha world, but I want to have a Mary heart....not a Martha heart. I will glance around, but gaze toward Him. I may not always succeed, but that is OKAY. When life gets crazy, I need to pause my brain that focuses on my to-do list, and push play on my interaction and relationship with God. "The rougher the day, the more I need to spend time with my Savior."

"I've learned my strength is not found in how intensely I struggle...but in how completely I surrender." - Ken Gire