Facebook Fast

I am fasting from Facebook this week. I know that I spend too much time on there and am using this week to show myself how many other things can be done with that time. Today is the first day and I already found myself pacing the living room wondering what to do to unwind after work....well I found something to do....I just did the dishes. So, here's to hoping this week teaches me to get my priorities right, teaches me to be more conscious of daily household chores, teaches me to spend more time with God. Also this week will be a Gratitude Week, the most recent chapter I read in my book challenged readers to a week with NO COMPLAINING!!! Each day you are to journal the blessings of the day. This week should be fun and challenging!! :)

Calm My Anxious Heart Chapter 4

"Content with My Role"


Just the other day I told Matt that I thought God wanted to teach me contentment with where I am in life. I can't believe how this chapter totally hit home for me. It seems that no matter where I am in my course of life, I am always focusing on the future step. First I was discontent in being a girlfriend, I wanted to be a fiancee. Then I was REALLY discontent with being a fiancee, I REALLY wanted to be a wife. Then I enjoyed being a wife for a bit...Now, I'm discontent with just being a wife, I want to be a mother too. When Matt and I were talking about this about a month ago, I told him that I felt like I was wishing my life away...just looking for the next best thing. This chapter was such an encouragement that most women are just like me. There were a series of emails included in this chapter that seemed so personal and relatable for me. Each woman talked about the stresses of their job, their husband, or their kids and each email said something like, "at least you have ______________________." The women were telling about their lives but doing so in a complaining manner. Not only did they "update" the friend about family affairs, they did so by alluding to the fact that the other person's life was somehow better..."at least you have _______________________." Interesting. I wonder how many facebook statuses I have posted that have been complaints masked as "status updates." I bet many of them suggest frustration or discontentment with my present God-given role. Just like an actress receives a role in a movie, we are assigned our life roles by the all-knowing God. Also, our roles can change just like roles change for actresses with each new film. We can either accept our current role and do our best, or we simply gripe and complain, jealous of another woman's role.

"If we want to be women of contentment, we must choose to accept our portion, our assigned roles from God. We must make the choice to dwell on the positive aspects of our role in life. If we don't we'll be discontent, always wanting something different from what we've been given."

Jesus was given a role that he took on even though he knew it would lead him to a painful death. Instead of complaining and telling God that it was not fair, he humbled himself and took on the role of a servant (Matthew 20:28). May I always seek to follow Jesus' example as I take on the various roles my Director gives me, content with my purpose and my role for that time being.

Calm My Anxious Heart Ch. 1

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation." Phil 4:12

Throughout my entire college career at BBC I had this verse written on a 3X5 card on my memo board. I read it all the time. I knew that I had been blessed in so many ways and simply needed to pause and be thankful for my situations. I needed to be content in all that God had given to me. It wasn't until the other night when I read this chapter that I actually focused on the verb in this verse. In the past I focused on the direct object being the secret of contentment. I completely missed out on the notion that this is a learned thing. Paul wasn't always content!!! He had learned through his life experiences that he could BE content with whatever was brought his way. Wow! I too can learn this contentment!!! There are so many times I look ahead and worry or anticipate the future. I enjoy my life but always look to the next step. It isn't that I am an overwhelmingly discontent person, but I focus on what will come or what I want to come rather than what is happening at the moment. I feel like this is a great time in my life to learn some contentment. We are at a crossroad. We are almost debt-free, married for 2.5 years, wondering if PA will be our forever home or if we should look around before "officially" settling down. I'd love to just get settled, to buy a house and start a family. Some days I focus on that so much that I forget to be thankful for this stage of life. We have our needs met, wonderful jobs, and friends and family that deeply care for us. I am learning that while I'd love to be in a different stage of life, I will miss this stage when I get to the next.

I don't need to be overwhelmed and anxious about the future but I need to be content where we are and prayerfully seek His face for future direction. I love how the previous passage in Philippians reads, "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Wherever I am in my journey of life, I can seek his face and He will supply peace.

Peace and contentment, that is what I long for. For whatever comes my way, if my heart is wrapped in those two principles, my natural instinct will be to praise and seek Him, trusting that He will supply the strength for any given circumstance.

Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World

I have just finished reading the book, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanne Weaver. The entire premisis comes from the story from the book of Luke.

Luke 10:38-42
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Naturally I have a Martha heart. I have a heart that is driven by tasks, a list of what should be completed in each day. There is no greater satisfaction than climbing into bed knowing that all the housework is complete, I can wake up to a clean home! Now, there are countless days that I don't go to bed feeling like that and those are the days I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and feel like I am not good enough. Yes, I have a Martha heart and yes I live in a Martha-mentality driven world. There are things to be done, places to be, friends to help, children to teach. (Honestly as I wrote that last sentence I remembered that I promised to make a new bookmark for my autistic student. That I CAN'T forget...see I tell you, I have to-do lists EVERYWHERE...I even text myself reminders!) Anyway, it is not natural for me to take time to have a MARY HEART, a heart devoted and dedicated to God. A heart that sits peacefully and reverantly at His feet ready to soak in His every word. Now, my personality tells me that if I can't do something well, to not try and do it at all. This is an easy cop-out for me in my devotional life. I don't put devotions on my personal or mental check list because I feel like I will fail at doing them. So, I sit back content and happy when I do get to them since then it is like a bonus! Wow, I did something extra that wasn't on my to-do list!!!! What an awful mentality! I hate to fail. Recently I have been doing a better job with devotions and my prayer life, yet I still seem to fall short in my eyes. I don't do it everyday, or I don't spend enough time. I seem to struggle with competition against myself. Can I do better? Why don't I feel like I'm growing? Does praying occasionally throughout the day count as a prayer life or do I need to actually sit down and have a prayer journal and a systematic way of praying? Does it count if I don't seem like I have time to pray for everyone so I just say one big prayer and hope it covers them all? See, I don't want to fail so I just try to get it all in somehow yet in doing so, I do it half-heartedly. Yet, at least I do something, so I feel accomplished...yet not...still somehow empty. I need to just forsake my personality and seek HIM AND WHAT HE HAS FOR ME TO LEARN. A quote from the book reads, "In this story, we should find not our personality type, but the kind of heart that Christ longs for us to have. A heart centered on Him alone." It is not my personality that should drive me. It should be my heart that drives me to be completely surrendered to Him. A heart that may feel weak and dry that seeks to be filled and quenched only by Him. I am so quick to look elsewhere and try to fill that void. I fill it with "Christian things." I talk about prayer. I help others with problems and seek to feel used. When I feel used, then I feel good...for a while....then I feel empty and tired. I put Christian "work" before "worship." It is like putting the cart before the horse. I need to first seek to be strengthened by Him before my work gets the better of me. My work...which quickly becomes my worry...which quickly becomes my overwhelming distraction. "When we're distracted, discouragement is just around the corner. Weariness creeps in as life overpowers us. It causes us to say and do things we would never consider saying or doing otherwise. Discouragement breaks down our perspective and our defenses." Thus the vicious cycle continues...Frustration, self-pity, worry, self-reliance...a heart that has let the Martha world dominate her world. I may live in this Martha world, but I want to have a Mary heart....not a Martha heart. I will glance around, but gaze toward Him. I may not always succeed, but that is OKAY. When life gets crazy, I need to pause my brain that focuses on my to-do list, and push play on my interaction and relationship with God. "The rougher the day, the more I need to spend time with my Savior."

"I've learned my strength is not found in how intensely I struggle...but in how completely I surrender." - Ken Gire

His Trials

Recently I got an awesome new scrapbooking design program. I have been able to make a book of our wedding, a family calendar, and postcards for our youth group kids. Last month I made a wife's prayer book. I used the book "Power of a Praying Wife" to create a daily prayer book to pray for my husband. I had it bound and gave a copy to my mom as well as some of my other friends. Now we can pray each day for a different aspect of our husband's life. I also included a verse to go along with each topic. This has helped me to be able to pray in a more effective way. Also, it provides an accountability aspect with my mom.

Today's topic was "His Trials." This morning when I flipped to today's page, I was a bit confused. A few days ago I had prayed for his temptations and wondered as to why the author of the original book had choosen to use both of those words. They seemed somewhat synonymous to me, trials and temptations, they seemed interchangeable in my mind. For my devotions today, I decided to do forego my typical study and did some research on the difference between these two words. What I found was that trials are certain situations or circumstances that God brings into our life to test and improve our faith and patience levels. Temptations on the other hand are specific sin issues that test our sin nature. One is meant to develop and one is meant to destroy. We can bear the weight of both of those things if we have a solid footing in Christ. While temptations are linked with sin and human nature, trials are linked to growth and spiritual development. I honestly hadn't thought about the two words before today, yet now I see how they are completely different. One seeks to develop and one seeks to destroy. Currently, one of our pastors is doing a series on Job. I guess my devos thoughts today tie in directly. Isn't it cool when something like that happens? Job was faced with trials and temptations. The trial was meant to improve his faith in God while the temptation was intended to get Job discouraged, frustrated, doubtful, and ultimately according to his wife, to curse God and die. I wouldn't blame him if he did all of those things. Honestly, it sounds bad, but that kind of pain and heartache seems so difficult to comprehend. Yet, that trial, brought on by Satan, allowed by God, was to prove Job's faith in God and to also improve his faith in God. "Blessed be the name of the Lord"

So, all that to say, may we seek to turn away temptations and to praise God for his faithfulness even in whatever trials may come our way.

God, I pray for Matt and his past, present, and future trials. May he use his past trials as a bringboard and memory of your faithfulness over time. May his present trials teach him lessons of your goodness and provision. May his future trials be light and his heart ready to bear whatever comes his way.

The Past

I just kind of rediscovered my own blog today. I realized that I am not a big blogger. I am a thinker. I spend SO much time thinking but feel frustrated or overwhelmed when I even consider recording my thoughts on either paper or computer. I want my handwriting to be legible, my grammar to be proper, and know that I will spend too much time rereading and analyzing my own writings. Pretty pathetic attitude laced with OCD tendencies, I know...all that to say, that I wish I was more of a journaling person. I reread my xanga site from college the other day. It is so funny to see how naive and fun-loving I was. I spent time blogging about completely unimportant events yet now I simply laugh at those memories. I was able to read about the first time I hung out with a "new friend" named Matt. WOW! I am thankful I do have those memories recorded...now just how to get them off the vast world wide web and into a book. (Perhaps a new project I will embark on. :)

When we first got married I had every intention of journaling so that I would have those memories to look back on. Memories of the honeymoon, our first week back in our new home as a new couple, our first fight, the struggle to make ends meet, the many provisions and direct answers to prayers. I wholeheartedly regret that I did not pen those memories as they were happening. I'd love to go back and read the emotions linked with our first fight or the joy abounding as God provided a car for us. I have those memories in my head and my heart but they are distant, clouded, and faint. I wish I could hold on to those raw emotions and see more vividly how God has worked. Right before we got married I heard a sermon about the children of Israel and how they made an altar to remember God's deliverance. Then the men took those rocks home as a daily reminder of God's ever present hand at work. The speaker encouraged each person to start collecting items for an altar box. Since our marriage, I have done that. I am so thankful to have that small box filled with little reminders. A note from a casual friend that accompanied $300, a photo of the car God provided, the note Matt wrote me on my first day of subbing, my first official teaching contract....the list goes on. So, even though I don't have the heat-of-the-moment emotions documented, I have those simple reminders forever. May I use those small items to recall the emotions and details of each scene as I review the filmstrip of my life, each scene flowing perfectly into the next. By looking backward, may I be reminded to trust the director as the future snapshots come into focus, each a polariod that only becomes clear in His timing. For now, contentment in the future because of His faithfulness in my past.

I'd like to be more of a blogger, I really would. I'd love to have experiences documented, thoughts shared, and blessings recorded. Let's see where this gets me...

Mr. Lockwood, Substitute Teacher

Today was one of the best days we've had in our marriage....let me take a step back and explain.

I have been subbing in our local school district for three months now and usually get 4-5 days a week of work. Well all the while, Matt has been working at Lowe's and we have been trying to make ends meet. Recently we decided that Matt should apply to be a substitute teacher as well. See, Matt's schedule at Lowe's is NEVER predictable. He gets two days off a week but we never know which two days. Since we have been married, we have only been able to go to church together 4 times. His usual days off are Mondays and Thursdays but I say "usual" loosely...So, we figured on those random weekdays off, he should sub and try to get his foot in the door. As of Monday March 16th Matt was a sub! Since he is subbing in the Middle and High Schools, they told him that he would get called a lot. Well, he got called multiple times each morning the beginning of this week. After much thought and discussion, we decided that it would be wise for his future career for him to quit Lowe's and be a full-time sub. While this is a step of faith, we know that God will provide the sub jobs needed for us to make it. So, that is why my day was so amazing...

For the first time ever, Matt and I got to wake up TOGETHER! (He used to get up at 4, I'd get up make him breakfast and go back to bed...) We got ready TOGETHER. We ate breakfast TOGETHER. We drove to school TOGETHER. I can't tell you how excited I am about this change. We are going to get our first weekend off together! Also, Matt so hated his other job and this has just helped us be more positive because we are both doing what we desire to do....TEACH!

I love my husband and am so happy that he is able to do what he loves to do. He's so good with the students and I can't wait to see where this takes us...